The Man Vs Bear Thing

It is a grey day. The clouds painted in tiny undulating cotton ball across the vastness of the canadian sky above turtle island.

I’ve lately decided to make it part of my routine to go for a brisk walk in the mornings. Stroller and baby before me, I begin picking up my pace. I feel proud as my shoulders broaden. I inhale the cool refreshing wind and see my daughter raise her hands to feel it blow through her fingers.

I smile broadly and head toward the forest.

At this time of day, the forest is largely empty but today tehre are large diggers and other trucks doing renovations on its entrance. Before entering the forest, there is a large intersection and I see a man and his dog on the other side of the street who seem to be heading in the same direction as me.

That is when it begins. And I dont know if every woman does this. I do not know if every individual of an oppressed group has a version of this, unique to their own oppression of course. But I know I have been told many times that it is because of my anxiety.

But what if my anxiety is because of the oppression..? What if our collective anxiety is due to the oppression?

I smile at the construction workers and tell myself that if i were attacked, at least there are people out there who could potentially hear me scream.

I turn in one direction, while not so subtly peeking over my shoulder to see if the man chose the same or the opposite direction.

He begins walking behind me, he is pretty far so I wait to turn a corner and that is when I begin running.

Partly because I want exercise, but also partly because I want to be ahead, to not feel followed. He has done absolutely nothing to make my intuition alarm me to some creepiness or danger, but I am always aware that it is a possibility.

Is this to keep me from freedom? I don’t know…

As I run, I imagine someone harming my baby and this electric fire builds and then it is interrupted by memories of recurring dreams of paralysis in the face of assault…The fire dies and is replaced with self doubt…“Would I be able to keep the fire were it to actually happen?” I don’t know, but I cannot let anyone know that.

I try and build the power, the fire, the aggression as I run. 

15 minutes into the walk, I see the man appear before me a way in front. He politely ties his dog to his leash and moves the dog away from me and my baby as we walk toward one another.

“He took the other way,” I think. “He saw me look and be scared, and he chose to use the other way,”

He smiles broadly and says hello as we cross each other. He is saying, “I am no threat to you. Enjoy your walk. You are free and you are safe.”

As I continue my walk, I notice a tiny small contained rush of emotion well into my eyes. A few tears are shed as I cross the wooden bridge over the quivering stream.

I grieve. I grieve that I have to be scared. That for a full 15 minutes, I didn’t get to notice the moss, the trees, the light.. That my whole being was on alert, using basic survival responses when there was actually no danger. But I had to, because there could have been and as a woman I have been told it is my responsibility to NOT get hurt. 

I grieve my judgment of this man who is probably a kind, feminist husband to someone. Who also wanted to enjoy his walk. I grieve that I had to assume he was harmful.

When I walk back home, a black woman walks in front of me. She peaks back at me a few times. There is no way of knowing what she is thinking, but I do know that I am white and part of her oppressor group. 

I am sad again. Like the man, I smile broadly, trying to convey that I am no threat. Is that racist somehow? I don’t know. I want her to feel safe and I don't want to be her oppressor.

I turn home…she is still looking back as I get into my garage. I hope she feels safe.

I am reflecting about the bear man thing… It isnt even just about being stuck in the woods with a man or a bear, it is the fact that every day, we have to live like there is a bear chasing us. And I am white, cis, in a hetero relationship, so I have way less of this to deal with than other people.

Anyway, I am sending a huge hug of love and safety to everyone who needs it. 

Wishing you a walk that is free from any fear of harassment, danger, threat and assault. A walk that is filled with presence, medicine, and safety.