Healing Rituals for Termination of Pregnancy

Dear Life-Givers,

When we transform from the archetype of the maiden into the archetype of the mother, we inevitably come face to face with the overwhelming power and responsibility of choosing what lives.

Being the nurturer of life does not only come with nourishing the hungry mouths before us or wiping tears away of children who have fallen down. No, being a life-giver means needing to face our limitations as carers. We are not all-loving, and ever-giving. We are very much limited humans, with limited energy, capacity and resources.

This knowledge becomes brutally clear when we must make the difficult choice of ending a pregnancy. This choice is wrought with paradoxes relating to what we know is best for our family and community and what we wish we could offer so fervently to the life we choose to end.

The process of grieving this type of loss is unique, so I wanted to compile a list of ways one may go about processing, and moving through the choice and loss that comes from a termination of pregnancy.

I want to acknowledge there are those folks who prefer staying detached from the fetus, while there are some that wish to personify the life and call the being a baby. I wanted to respect both preferences and to avoid triggering folks, I have separated the healing rituals into two categories. Choose which ever one you prefer or you can feel free to read both.

I will also say that this list is just to provide some inspiration. It is based on the idea that ritual is helpful in grieving which is evident in all cultures, but was taught to me formally by the Institute of Birth Breath and Death. What I have also learned from Gena McCarthy as a perinatal Ceremonialist, is that using the elements in our rituals can make them more powerful, so you will see this as a theme below. I invite you to notice which element speaks to you the most.

Be gentle with yourself as you read this because while some options may speak to one person, they may trigger another. the important thing is for you to find what you are craving.

For those who prefer to remain detached:

1) It may be helpful to plant new life right before the end of the pregnancy or right after. This can be helpful in representing the shift of energy from within your womb into somewhere else in the world.

2) Lighting a candle and letting it burn through with the intention of the candle representing the fading energy, or life of the fetus. Perhaps sharing wishes, prayers, to the fetus while the candle burns.

3) Using smoke or song to send your hopes and dreams for the future into the wind.

4) Honoring yourself as an adult human making a difficult decision by gifting yourself a token of making it through the initiation of maidenhood into motherhood. For example, a ring to remind you of the strength it takes to care for all your family's needs even when it hurts.

5) Dancing to music that speaks to you the night before the procedure, and a few days after when you feel up for it-just moving whatever emotions need to move through you.

For those seeking more connection to the baby as a person:

1) Seeing an energy healer to support the process of saying goodbye.

2) Giving the baby a name, perhaps making them a small album or framing a photograph of a sonagram with a candle near it to light when needed.

3) Asking for ashes of the baby and bringing them home.

4) Making an album of your pregnancy mementos.

5) Speaking to and praying to the soul of your baby after they have passed on.

6) Keeping in communication with the baby and explaining your decision.

7) Getting a beautiful bouquet of articifial handcrafted flowers that will never die, just like your love will never die.

8) Giving life to something else-such as offering nest building materials to birds in your yard, or donating money to a tree planting charity...

This is just a beginning, but really, the medicine is right there in you. Hopefully this list allows your to trace what YOUR unique path to healing looks like.

For now, I wish you to remember that it is an honor to live by your side. You are a fierce mother, protector of community, family and love. You have been given the great power of making this decision because you are the one most suited for it; because you are doing it out of love for your community and family. It is never a simple decision, but as a mother you carry all the aspects of it. That is some badass shit. I am so proud to live alongside you, and I hope you trust yourself as much as I trust you.

The Man Vs Bear Thing

It is a grey day. The clouds painted in tiny undulating cotton ball across the vastness of the canadian sky above turtle island.

I’ve lately decided to make it part of my routine to go for a brisk walk in the mornings. Stroller and baby before me, I begin picking up my pace. I feel proud as my shoulders broaden. I inhale the cool refreshing wind and see my daughter raise her hands to feel it blow through her fingers.

I smile broadly and head toward the forest.

At this time of day, the forest is largely empty but today tehre are large diggers and other trucks doing renovations on its entrance. Before entering the forest, there is a large intersection and I see a man and his dog on the other side of the street who seem to be heading in the same direction as me.

That is when it begins. And I dont know if every woman does this. I do not know if every individual of an oppressed group has a version of this, unique to their own oppression of course. But I know I have been told many times that it is because of my anxiety.

But what if my anxiety is because of the oppression..? What if our collective anxiety is due to the oppression?

I smile at the construction workers and tell myself that if i were attacked, at least there are people out there who could potentially hear me scream.

I turn in one direction, while not so subtly peeking over my shoulder to see if the man chose the same or the opposite direction.

He begins walking behind me, he is pretty far so I wait to turn a corner and that is when I begin running.

Partly because I want exercise, but also partly because I want to be ahead, to not feel followed. He has done absolutely nothing to make my intuition alarm me to some creepiness or danger, but I am always aware that it is a possibility.

Is this to keep me from freedom? I don’t know…

As I run, I imagine someone harming my baby and this electric fire builds and then it is interrupted by memories of recurring dreams of paralysis in the face of assault…The fire dies and is replaced with self doubt…“Would I be able to keep the fire were it to actually happen?” I don’t know, but I cannot let anyone know that.

I try and build the power, the fire, the aggression as I run. 

15 minutes into the walk, I see the man appear before me a way in front. He politely ties his dog to his leash and moves the dog away from me and my baby as we walk toward one another.

“He took the other way,” I think. “He saw me look and be scared, and he chose to use the other way,”

He smiles broadly and says hello as we cross each other. He is saying, “I am no threat to you. Enjoy your walk. You are free and you are safe.”

As I continue my walk, I notice a tiny small contained rush of emotion well into my eyes. A few tears are shed as I cross the wooden bridge over the quivering stream.

I grieve. I grieve that I have to be scared. That for a full 15 minutes, I didn’t get to notice the moss, the trees, the light.. That my whole being was on alert, using basic survival responses when there was actually no danger. But I had to, because there could have been and as a woman I have been told it is my responsibility to NOT get hurt. 

I grieve my judgment of this man who is probably a kind, feminist husband to someone. Who also wanted to enjoy his walk. I grieve that I had to assume he was harmful.

When I walk back home, a black woman walks in front of me. She peaks back at me a few times. There is no way of knowing what she is thinking, but I do know that I am white and part of her oppressor group. 

I am sad again. Like the man, I smile broadly, trying to convey that I am no threat. Is that racist somehow? I don’t know. I want her to feel safe and I don't want to be her oppressor.

I turn home…she is still looking back as I get into my garage. I hope she feels safe.

I am reflecting about the bear man thing… It isnt even just about being stuck in the woods with a man or a bear, it is the fact that every day, we have to live like there is a bear chasing us. And I am white, cis, in a hetero relationship, so I have way less of this to deal with than other people.

Anyway, I am sending a huge hug of love and safety to everyone who needs it. 

Wishing you a walk that is free from any fear of harassment, danger, threat and assault. A walk that is filled with presence, medicine, and safety.